Sometimes

 Sometimes I don't.

 More often then not - I don't.

BUT, sometimes I do - like tonight.

Tonight.

 I still believe.

Bye bye masquerade

Is there anyone that fails

Is there anyone that falls

Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around

Everybody seems so strong

I know they'll soon discover

That I don't belong

 

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay

If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too

So with a painted grin, I play the part again

So everyone will see me the way that I see them

 

Are we happy plastic people

Under shiny plastic steeples

With walls around our weakness

And smiles to hide our pain

But if the invitation's open

To every heart that has been broken

Maybe then we close the curtain

On our stained glass masquerade

 

Is there anyone who's been there

Are there any hands to raise

Am I the only one who's traded

In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing

And we know every line by heart

Only when no one is watching

Can we really fall apart

 

But would it set me free

If I dared to let you see

The truth behind the person

That you imagine me to be

 

Would your arms be open

Or would you walk away

Would the love of Jesus

Be enough to make you stay

 

 

 
 

I have heard this song SO many times over the last six months and probably shed tears each time because it was sooooooo EXACTLY where I was, and... where I still am, depending on the day, the time, the situation, and the people involved. The difference now is that there ARE those, albeit few, that I trust enough to be completely totally honest with. It's risky, they may think less of me. They may see my weaknesses, they may see my ick... but they LOVE me, FOR ME. These precious people God has given me actually WANT me to be real, and honest, they WANT to be there for me and WITH me... they don't want the pat answer that everything is fine, and our adoption journey has a storybook fairytale ending. Yes there are some people I'll always wear a mask around, BUT there are others who continue to shatter my walls and creep closer to my heart, daily .

 They are the most beautiful people in my life.

Another note.

 Show me that my tears will make my rainbow.

I am totally NOT taking credit for the following story, as it was originally posted on another "trauma mama's" blog, and I want her to get the credit. But boy, did it reiterate some things that have been spoken to my heart lately. The original post can be found here: Marty's Musings.

The Blessing Of Thorns

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like a spring breeze. Then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole her ease.

During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son. She grieved over her loss. As if that weren't enough, her husband's company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose annual holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come.

What's worse, Sandra's friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra with a shudder.

"Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered aloud. For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life but took that of her child?

"Good afternoon, can I help you?" The shop clerk's approach startled her. "I... I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra. "For Thanksgiving?"

"Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the Thanksgiving Special?" asked the shop clerk. "I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued. "Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?"

"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. " Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."

Then the door's small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, "Hi Barbara...let me get your order." She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped...there were no flowers. "Want this in a box?" asked the clerk.

Sandra watched for the customer's response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers!?! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed.

"Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said as she gently tapped her chest.

"Uhh," stammered Sandra, "that lady just left with, uhh... she just left with no flowers!"

"Right... I cut off the flowers. That's the Special... I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet."

"Oh, come on, you can't tell me someone is willing to pay for that?" exclaimed Sandra.

"Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling very much like you feel today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major surgery."

"That same year I had lost my husband, "continued the clerk," and for the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel.""So what did you do?" asked Sandra.

"I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly. "I've always thanked God for good things in life and never thought to ask Him why those good things happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask! It took time for me to learn that dark times are important. I always enjoyed the 'flowers' of life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."

Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God." Just then someone else walked in the shop.

"Hey, Phil!" shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man.

"My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement... twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?"

"No...I'm glad you asked," Phil replied. "Four years ago my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem. He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from "thorny" times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific "problem" and give thanks to Him for what that problem taught us."

As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too... fresh."

"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."

Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.

"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute."

"Thank you. What do I owe you?" asked Sandra.

"Nothing." said the clerk. "Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me." The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you'd like to read it first."

It read:
My God, I have never thanked you for my thorn! I have thanked you a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorn. Teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed to you by the path of pain. Show me that my tears have made my rainbow. ~ George Matheson

Praise God for your roses; learn to thank Him for your thorns!

-- Author Unknown

And my prayer, God, help me TRUST YOU enough to thank you for the thorns in my life. Help me TRUST YOU in spite of the fact that you have GIVEN, or trusted me with significantly more thorns then roses. Let it be said of me that I have climbed this path, and all the others, and that those and this WILL bring me to you.

Amen.

Note to self.

---------------------------------------------------

'Cause this is not about what you've done

But what's been done for you.

This is not about where you've been,

But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,

But what He felt to forgive you,

And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

---------------------------------------------

So you thought you had to keep this up

All the work that you do

So we think that you're good

And you can't believe it's not enough

All the walls you built up

Are just glass on the outside

This is where the healing begins

This is where the healing starts

When you come to where you're broken within

The light meets the dark

The light meets the dark

-------------------------------------------

Someone told me the other day, "you have to let yourself just be. Just getting through is enough. It.is.enough. One day there will be more but for today it is enough."

And for today, I'll take it. For today, having permission to stop pretending and "just be" IS enough. And for today, I'm O.K.

What I need.

I keep getting asked this question, repeatedly.

What do you need?

 How can I help?

What can I do?

I'm finally going to answer that.

• I need you to let me be sad. I need you to let me be angry. I need you to let me be discouraged.  If you don't, I will put my mask back on - And if I put my mask back on I can't heal, and if I don't heal, my family won't heal.
• I need you to stop pushing me. I need you to stop making me feel like "come on already" or "it's time to  just suck it up and deal with it". Just stop it. Grief does not have a timeline, and it is NOT linear. The more pressure I feel from you, the harder it becomes.

• I need you to understand you are not me. I need you to know that you don't know everything about me. You may have bits and pieces of the puzzle that makes up who and what I am, but I guarantee you, you don't know the whole story, so please don't think you have me "figured out" and please don't talk to me like you know what the solution is.

• Please DON'T tell me I need to pray more. I have.

• Please DON'T tell me I need to exercise my faith. My mustard seed has been misplaced. I've looked for it, but I can not find it. Anywhere. So, until I do, this statement from you, just heaps more guilt on the guilt I already feel.

• Please DON'T tell me to just give it time. I have given it time, and our family is falling apart. Very few, precious few, know how bad things really are. I don't know how much time we have.

• Please DON'T ask me, What would Jesus do? I am not Jesus. Yes, I am to imitate Him. But I am HUMAN. 100% totally and completely HUMAN.

• Please DON'T stick your finger in my face and waggle it at me. It just really doesn't accomplish anything. Depending on the day, I'll either want to bite it off or go home and retreat further into my shell and comfort zone.

• Please DO understand that I am not by nature an open person. I do not typically bare my heart and soul with people. I just simply DO NOT do that. It takes alot of courage, I mean A LOT. Respect that.

• Please understand, my blog's purpose, one of them anyway, is for me to write out and work through MY thoughts and feelings. Right or wrong, they are MINE. They are REAL, and yes they are RAW. And this is MY blog. It's also a "safe place" for me, or at least I want it to be. Home is not always a safe place to say exactly what I am thinking and feeling, church is not always a safe place to say what is really going on, I NEED a safe place. Right now, my blog IS that place, and I desperately need it to STAY that way.

• A friend of mine said this just yesterday. "You need to know in your heart that I love you...you need to know that I care about you, you also need to know that I have ears to listen, and arms to reach out" and she is SO right. I need to know that despite where I am, where you THINK I should be, despite what I FEEL and what you THINK I should feel, you love me, you're willing to not just listen, but HEAR, really HEAR me. And most importantly, no matter how long it takes, or what the end result you'll be here when the storm is over and the sun shines for me.

Esau and Jacob, Lisa and Lorelei

Okay, so I don't actually know a Lorelei, but that's not the point.

I'm convinced I'm Esau. Ok, not really. Obviously I'm not a man, I'm definately NOT a hunter, nor am I  red all over and covered in hair.

However, for no reason whatsoever God chose to hate Esau. It's true. The Bible says so. In Romans. Romans chapter 9 to be exact.

"And not only this; but when Rebecca also had conceived by one, even by our father Isaac; (for the children being not yet born, neither having done any good or evil, that the purpose of God according to elevetion might stand, not of works, but of him that calleth;) It was said unto her, the elder shall serve the younger. As it is written, Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated. What shall we say then? Is there unrighteousness with God? God forbid. For he saith to Moses, I will have mercy on who I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion. So then it is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth, but of God that sheweth mercy. For the scripture saith unto Pharaoh, Even for this same purpose have I raised thee up, that I might shew my power in thee, and that my name might be declared throughout all the earth. Therefore he hath mercy on whom he will have mercy, and whom he will he hardeneth."

God also apparently hates me. No really, I'm obedient to what I felt God was calling our family too. Our family sacrifices and sacrifices and sacrifices. And yet God shows no mercy, no compassion.

It's ok. Really. I get it. He's God, he can do whatever he wants. He can love who he wants, and he can hate who he wants. And he can harden whoever's heart he wants, even if that person is asking him not to. He doesn't need a reason, Understood.

Happy Friggin Father's Day



I hate this guy, seriously I do, I hate him. This guy has it all together.

No, really.

Even when he's a jerk, forgetful, says hurtful things and handles things the wrong way. Even when he makes me feel incompetant and like I'm totally alone in my already isolated world...

He has an unwavering faith that I'll never be able to wrap my head around.... sometimes I love him for it, other times I hate his guts because of it....

 But ALWAYS I am grateful for it - for my kids sake.

This man I call husband, works a  50+ hour work week at his civilian job, takes 9 credit hours of GRADUATE course classes a semester, and drills with the Navy Reserves once a month JUST to make ends meet because of RADison's adoption debt. When he comes home he is immeadiately put in charge of RADison because I can't deal with him. He usually attempts to do some sort of cleaning after the boys are in bed. All of that and he puts up with a wife who has lost her mustard seed faith, who is exhausted and discouraged. He never complains that the house isn't clean anymore, that his clothes aren't ironed, that dinner's not ready or that I haven't gone grocery shopping... still. He loves me through it, and in spite of it, and he does the same with the kids.

So, today, honey, even when I don't act like it, even when I don't say it, especially when I can't say it, I LOVE YOU, and I appreciate all you do for ALL of us. You are the best father-Ever.