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Friday, March 16, 2012

Keep carrying me Lord-Pt 1

One night I had a dream...
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonged to me, and the other to the Lord.    
Scenes like when I was 6 years old and my daddy grabbed me so hard he broke the blood vessels in my arm and then threw me into a wall-he was on the phone.. I was being too loud. I was 8 years old and curled up on the top of  my dresser staring out at the night sky crying and praying for a new family. I had my headphones on and was singing along to Carmen's "hunger for holiness". There was the scene in the hospital room when I was 9 and my mother prayed out loud that my daddy would die during his open heart surgery. Then she packed me up and we moved  away while he was still in the hospital recovering. I was 11 when I sat out in my backyard of overgrown weeds and sang songs like Rich Mullins "Step by Step" to the Lord well into the night. I was 12 when my mother encouraged me to "date" a 16 year old and then later called me a whore because of it. I was 13 and worked 30 hour weeks to pay my mother's bills. I was 14 and stood in a courtroom while my mother lost her rights to parent me, and my father signed his rights away. I was 15 when I legally became the foster daughter of a couple who never loved me. I was 16 when I fell in love for the first time. I was 17 and anorexic - I wanted to be thin and beautiful and make my foster mother proud to call me hers.  I was 21 when I got married. I was 22 and had my first son. My foster dad wrote me off , bye, see ya, have a nice life, all the while saying he was called to "father this generation". I moved across country from everything and everyone I had ever known.  I was 24 when I watched my biological father, who by all accounts was a complete stranger to me, die, and I attended his funeral alone. 5 months later I was told I had a 40% chance of losing my 2nd child during the course of the pregnancy, and that I ought to consider an abortion. And a few months after that I spent a week with my oldest in a children's hospital after he was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. I was 25  when I delivered a beautiful perfect and healthy baby boy that a specialist told me to abort. I praised God for that precious baby! I was 26 when my oldest spent 3 days in the PICU due to diabetic complications.  I was 27 and on the other side of the world when he spent another week in the hospital.  I was 28 when I left my two children for 3 months to finalize an adoption that I wish we’d never pursued to begin with. I was 29 when my heart broke in a million pieces. When my children had their innocence stolen and when I was betrayed and used by someone I considered to be like a mother to me. When I had finally had enough and "happily ever after" fell apart for the world to see, judge and criticize
 When the last scene from my life flashed before us, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed many times along the path of my life, there was only one set of footprints. I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life. This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it. "Lord you said once I decided to follow You, You would walk with me all the way; but I have noticed during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,  you would leave me. The Lord replied, "My precious precious child, I love you. I would never never leave you during your times of trial or suffering. When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

All those times I locked myself away and cried and prayed and screamed until there was nothing left. When I couldn't explain how I made it out of the locked closet I was hiding in- YOU CARRIED ME OUT. And you'll carry me through now, and always.... I know that because You haven't left me once since I was 8 years old...
 You've been walking with me all this time! 


  1. Wow! Thanks for sharing, praying for you.

  2. You amaze me with your candor! Wow is all I can say. Thank you for sharing!