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Thursday, June 16, 2011

For the record

this isn't fun. I'm not proud of my feelings. I don't enjoy being ANGRY. I don't enjoy being FRUSTRATED. I DON'T enjoy being COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED every day, ALL DAY LONG. It drives me CRAZY that a year ago I could function and get through a day on 4 hours of sleep and not be the least bit tired, but now 8 hours of sleep isn't enough to feel rested, let alone energized.

I am NOT proud of the fact that if I have ANY feelings toward my adopted child that they are, at best, feelings of tolerance. I tolerate him, that's it. What kind of mother, what kind of CHRISTIAN mother merely tolerates her child? What kind of mother has to WORK at FORCING herself to show interest in her child's day, and offer a single hug before bed. No, seriously, I'm asking you... what kind of mother behaves like this?

What happened to the mother I was a year ago?

What happened to this mom? I don't even recognize her anymore? Who was this woman? so devoted, so loving? so sure of herself... so SURE of her LOVE FOR HER SON. NO, I'm NOT proud of my feelings, in fact I'm HEARTBROKEN over them. I'm DEVASTATED because of them....

Borrowing words/lyrics from Matchbox 20...

"This ain't good, in fact it's phony as hell,

but things worked out just like you wanted too (or thought you did)

if you see me out, you don't know me (because I'm not who I once was)

Try to turn your head, give me

some room

to figure out what I'm gonna do.

Everyone here, hates everyone else for doing just what they do

It's best if we all keep this quiet instead (is it? or is it better to be honest?)

It's over now, I'm sorry now

and I don't know how, to get it back to good"

Pretty much sums it up right there, I don't know how to get "it" that is, our family "back to good"...


  1. I wish I had words to make you feel better, or at the least, to give you hope. I'm at a loss - yet want to help, so please tell me what I can do, other than pray!

  2. There is a post on my blog I hope you will read ~


  3. Courtney sent me over here. Here's a post for you to read
    and there are many, many others on my blog. I don't know your story but I feel the pain. We have 3 RAD children, one we are estranged from, one who is healing and one who is empty as can be. 11 years of a rollercoaster life. I, too, am not the same. Some of it is NOT pretty. The place I'm at right now is tolerable but a few years ago it was a prison. I can't even read my journals from then because it was so awful. You are most definitely not alone but I also want to encourage you that you will survive. There may be no answers but there is always hope. Hang in there.

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  5. Hi, we brought home our daughter just over a year ago. She's a toddler. We have two bio sons as well. And a year into this I'm still asking God why, wondering what happened to the mom that I used to be, and scared for how we're going to live the rest of our lives like this.

    Please check out my blog and know that you are not alone and it's not just you.

  6. I'm here because of an alert from Courney, too. There is a whole community of moms parenting trauma/attachment disordered kids on the Internet. Check out my blog for links to bunches of others. We adopted a 9 year old girl a bit over a year ago. We've made a lot of progress, but still have some days that are DOOZIES that have me exhausted and in tears. I blog about the day to day stuff (good and bad). Hang in there. Lean on us. YOu are not alone.

  7. We brought our kids home 10 years ago in August. They don't always let you love them - it is not your fault, and there is nothing wrong with you. The best that you can do is really good, even when it doesn't feel good to you. This is not your fault, and you are not alone.

  8. So glad for my SISTERS who are reaching out Lisa. See.... these ladies are the REAL DEAL and they are in every way my SISTERS. They get it. Reach out. Cry, vent, talk to all of us. We are here.

  9. Lisa there are no words I can say that can make this situation better, it hurts me that you are hurting so. I am glad you are connecting with others that have gone through this and going through similar things. Hope some of their insights can give you some hope and ideas to be able to cope with the situation.

    Know that I love you, I don't judge you, I believe I would feel exactly the same way if I was in your situation, and know that I'm praying for you and the family. I know that can seem empty or pointless at times but I know that is one thing that can keep us afloat even when we aren't able to believe it.

    Love, Debbie W.

  10. Lisa - I have been in your shoes so many times, most recently last week! We adopted our two children through foster care, and they have been with us 7.5 years. Our son is doing very well, after some very trying years 2-3 years ago, but now we are struggling with our daughter. There are so many days when I don't know if we'll ever connect properly, and her anger is overwhelming. I've had that same reluctance, that same ambivalence, that same exhaustion, and that same depression, as recently as last week. The only thing that keeps me going is my faith, and the support of wonderful moms walking this same difficult path. You are not alone!
    Hugs - Heather

  11. Lisa- I haven't been in your shoes as far as having an adoptive son or daughter, but I do have a 3 1/2 year old that I gave birth to. I had him when I was almost 38 years old. I suffered from postpartum depression & honestly, still have days where I ask myself how am I ever going to get through the day. My husband has been traveling a ton & I have no family in the area...closest family is 11 hours away. Today I have cried, screamed (and yes, I am so ashamed at myself for doing so), & have been utterly frustrated. I'm sorry you are having a difficult time, and I wish I could give you some wisdom, but I have none, except 'this too shall pass'. That is what I hold onto & hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

  12. Been thinking and praying about you all day and want you to know I am concerned about you. I know that it's not something that is going to get better overnight, but am believing it will get better over time. I feel so helpless, all I know to do is pray.

    Debbie W.