this isn't fun. I'm not proud of my feelings. I don't enjoy being ANGRY. I don't enjoy being FRUSTRATED. I DON'T enjoy being COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED every day, ALL DAY LONG. It drives me CRAZY that a year ago I could function and get through a day on 4 hours of sleep and not be the least bit tired, but now 8 hours of sleep isn't enough to feel rested, let alone energized.
I am NOT proud of the fact that if I have ANY feelings toward my adopted child that they are, at best, feelings of tolerance. I tolerate him, that's it. What kind of mother, what kind of CHRISTIAN mother merely tolerates her child? What kind of mother has to WORK at FORCING herself to show interest in her child's day, and offer a single hug before bed. No, seriously, I'm asking you... what kind of mother behaves like this?
What happened to the mother I was a year ago?
What happened to this mom? I don't even recognize her anymore? Who was this woman? so devoted, so loving? so sure of herself... so SURE of her LOVE FOR HER SON. NO, I'm NOT proud of my feelings, in fact I'm HEARTBROKEN over them. I'm DEVASTATED because of them....
Borrowing words/lyrics from Matchbox 20...
"This ain't good, in fact it's phony as hell,
but things worked out just like you wanted too (or thought you did)
if you see me out, you don't know me (because I'm not who I once was)
Try to turn your head, give me
to figure out what I'm gonna do.
Everyone here, hates everyone else for doing just what they do
It's best if we all keep this quiet instead (is it? or is it better to be honest?)
It's over now, I'm sorry now
and I don't know how, to get it back to good"
Pretty much sums it up right there, I don't know how to get "it" that is, our family "back to good"...