What do you need?
How can I help?
What can I do?
I'm finally going to answer that.
- I need you to let me be sad. I need you to let me be angry. I need you to let me be discouraged. If you don't, I will put my mask back on - And if I put my mask back on I can't heal, and if I don't heal, my family won't heal.
- I need you to stop pushing me. I need you to stop making me feel like "come on already" or "it's time to just suck it up and deal with it". Just stop it. Grief does not have a timeline, and it is NOT linear. The more pressure I feel from you, the harder it becomes.
- I need you to understand you are not me. I need you to know that you don't know everything about me. You may have bits and pieces of the puzzle that makes up who and what I am, but I guarantee you, you don't know the whole story, so please don't think you have me "figured out" and please don't talk to me like you know what the solution is.
- Please DON'T tell me I need to pray more. I have.
- Please DON'T tell me I need to exercise my faith. My mustard seed has been misplaced. I've looked for it, but I can not find it. Anywhere. So, until I do, this statement from you, just heaps more guilt on the guilt I already feel.
- Please DON'T tell me to just give it time. I have given it time, and our family is falling apart. Very few, precious few, know how bad things really are. I don't know how much time we have.
- Please DON'T ask me, What would Jesus do? I am not Jesus. Yes, I am to imitate Him. But I am HUMAN. 100% totally and completely HUMAN.
- Please DON'T stick your finger in my face and waggle it at me. It just really doesn't accomplish anything. Depending on the day, I'll either want to bite it off or go home and retreat further into my shell and comfort zone.
- Please DO understand that I am not by nature an open person. I do not typically bare my heart and soul with people. I just simply DO NOT do that. It takes alot of courage, I mean A LOT. Respect that.
- Please understand, my blog's purpose, one of them anyway, is for me to write out and work through MY thoughts and feelings. Right or wrong, they are MINE. They are REAL, and yes they are RAW. And this is MY blog. It's also a "safe place" for me, or at least I want it to be. Home is not always a safe place to say exactly what I am thinking and feeling, church is not always a safe place to say what is really going on, I NEED a safe place. Right now, my blog IS that place, and I desperately need it to STAY that way.
- A friend of mine said this just yesterday. "You need to know in your heart that I love you...you need to know that I care about you, you also need to know that I have ears to listen, and arms to reach out" and she is SO right. I need to know that despite where I am, where you THINK I should be, despite what I FEEL and what you THINK I should feel, you love me, you're willing to not just listen, but HEAR, really HEAR me. And most importantly, no matter how long it takes, or what the end result you'll be here when the storm is over and the sun shines for me.
I don't know you IRL but I know you are stronger than you know just to have survived this far. I would never wag my finger or give you pat answers. You are absolutely right. Grief takes time. You own it and no one else. The reality is you can only change yourself. You can hope you influence or move others to change but all you can do is change you. With the situation you're in you have to let yourself just be. Just getting through is enough. It.is.enough. One day there will be more but for today it is enough. You are not alone and you are connected with women who have been there and only want you to get through it. Excellent post.
ReplyDeleteAmen.
ReplyDeleteMan I am convicted by your first 3 points!!! They could've been written from my daughter to me! Thanks for your openess! Praying for you and your family!
ReplyDelete"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." psalm 34:18